15

Today was the first day of increasing my dosage to 15mg. I think I was so happy for so long that I forgot how awful it is to feel so low. When my pills stopped having the same benefits as they did before I just fet discouraged, but I am staying hopeful and now I am motivated to get better, since I could feel myself getting sick again. I hope 15 brings me luck.

Bad again

I'm scared because its getting bad again. I know its getting bad because I have been consciously thinking about it and noticing it getting bad again. When everything good there is no think about these things. I think I need a higher dose of medication, but what happens when I am at the highest dose and it gets bad again? What happens in 10 years, or 20 years, or when I'm fucking 80 years old and its still bad.

A new perspective

    I am so much less depressed and happy now I can't believe it. I literally thought I was hopeless before this medication and that I would feel how I felt for my whole life. Now I know things get better. A new perspective. Haven't had a bad panic attack in a while which makes me so hopeful about my life. Finally life is looking up, even though I never thought it would. Cipralex literally is saving me

Finally

FINALLY all my side effects are gone. Finally my life is starting to get better and I want to cry about it. I am waaaaaaay less depressed than ever before and it feels so good. I haven't been in such a good mood in so long. I am still getting anxiety attacks; even though I obviously know how to deal with them, they are still very scary and unsettling. Last week I was contemplating different ways to kill myself and now I am seeing the positive results of Cipralex on depression. Finally.

A month on Cipralex

  This medication is obviously not a quick fix, but finally after a month my side effects are very much gone. I am not magically "fixed" or anything like that but there's things I notice about myself, small things, that have made me change my perspective on getting better. I am less afraid of life. I want to go out places and get my life on the right track. Also, I don't want to die as much, hardly at all really. This is how I know I am getting better. A month ago I was 100% sure I wasn't going to get better and I was trapped. I don't feel trapped in the dark hole that I had created for myself. I spend less time in my bed, I'm not trying to make the world go away anymore - now the world is a place I am excited to be in.
   I still get panic attacks just as frequently though, I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Can You Drink On Cipralex?

   Sooooo basically its obvious that you aren't typically supposed to drink while on anti-depressants, but asking for a teenager during their senior year of high school to remain sober just isn't realistic. I've read a bunch of things online saying that you can drink, you just have to watch the amount you drink. Basically anti-depressants get you drunk really quick. My friend once told me that 1 beer on Cipralex is the equivalent to 3. I'm not sure of how accurate that is, but you get the point. Many people are under the impression that you will literally die if you drink or something, which is very false. I drank a couple beers this weekend with friends and I was fine and actually felt it (now I'm a cheap drunk so thats cool). I'm gunna stay away from hard liquor and wine as I've heard many times that those do not go over well at all! Basically the trick to drinking with any anti-depressant is doing it in moderation and not going overboard!!!! Your tolerance is little to nothing now so take it easy with the shots!!!

Cipralex Day 15

   One word. Exhausted. Holy shit now I know why they say to take this stuff at night, it makes you the most tired ever. Also the other problem is that it is also very hard to sleep on this stuff, no matter how tired I am, so it wouldn't really make a difference to take it at night. I already slept a ridiculous amount before I went on this medication since I am a typical teenager who needs a nap to get through the day. Now it's more like I need 2 to function. I've researched this and everyone says its very normal, I just feel like a fucking zombie when I can't get a nap in!!!!!! Also my dreams are so vivid it crazy, just like what happened on Prozac. This week has been probably the most tiring of my whole life. Fuck.

Day 12 on Cipralex

  I've been on Cipralex for about 12 days now for my panic disorder and depression, and I can say it has been the opposite of easy. I was terrified to start up on pills again. I'm on 0.5 mg, obviously a very low dose as you have to cut the pills in half. I take them every morning opposed to at night, which would've probably been better since I am tired all the time on them. A lot of the days were terrible. When I first I didn't feel very much; I was foggy headed and out of it which is normal when starting SSRIs. My jaw and teeth hurt at the beginning from clenching my teeth, which happened when I was on Prozac as well.
   After a few days I started getting dizzy spells, chills, along with lots of nausea, I even puked once. My anxiety and depression seemed to get worse. The side effects have also given me more triggers for panic, and I had a major panic attack (I haven't had one so bad in a while) and had to take an Ativan to calm down. This took me a day to get over and I felt very discouraged. I took a day off school and dance, as many people take days off when starting new anti-depressants.I had no motivation to leave my house and felt very depressed like I would never get out of this dark hole, and debated stopping the pills all together. I know it is normal to have these thoughts and for things to get worse before they get better on these pills.
   Now on day 12 things have been getting slightly better. I've been taking non-drowsy ginger Gravol for the nausea and I am trying to stay positive but it's pretty hard to do. I've felt kind of panicky today, but not as depressed I just need to get through this next little bit until I will start seeing some positive results. The pharmacist said it may take 2-12 weeks to work.
     I figure these few weeks of side effects will be worth it to live without panic and depression.

comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable

Its November.It's freezing out.I found my sketch book. 

+

In September I saw Ed Sheeran for the second time live and it was amaazzzzzzzzing. Passenger was there too and his music is beautiful as well. I can't wait to see Ed preform again, its amazing. Here are some snaps I took from it!

What might have been lost don't bother me

One of my outfits I wore to dinner while I was on vacay with one of my best pals that I just decided to photograph. Mind the background and disney channel on tv. I'm obsessed with this tank from brandy. I can wear it with just plain jean shorts, or dress it up a little and go out for dinner. My skirt looks shorter than it was in reality by the way hahaha!

Whats in my everyday makeup bag?

Heres a look in to my everyday makeup bag (from H&M) which includes my fav products :

- Urban Decay mini primer potion

- Eyelash curler

- Bedazzled tweezers 

- Pink Sugar Sensual mini

- Soft kohl black pencil liner

- Line Stiletto black liquid liner

- Rimmel Volume Flash Mousse mascara

- Maybelline Turbo Boost mascara

- Rimmel Stay Matte foundation

- Makeup Forever concealer 

- MAC mineral powder

- Tarte Smooth Operator translucent powder

- Kabuki brush

- Vitaminschtick 

Put the sunshine in your mind ☼

A little photo montage of my weekend on the lake.. it was too nice to be at a cottage for a change ahhhhhh 

 

Haulin'

Oh blogging i've missed you!! My computer has being going whack this month with viruses and wasn't working at all. I finally got it to work yayyyyy! Anyways heres a haul of some of the clothes I've bought this summer.

The first two are from H&M and the rest I ordered from Brandy Melville 

I will always change, but I will always stay the same

Guess who got a hair cut? Yes you guessed it, I did!! 10 inches was chopped and i'm donating it all of course! I still haven't adjusted to it, and can't figure out a way that I like to wear it yet - but it's just hair. 

These snaps are from my iphone by the way

Skeletons, sunglasses and bronzer

Skeletons, sunglasses and bronzer by madyalexander featuring a bronzing powder

I've been OBSESSED with skulls and skeletons and I want to order this from Brandy Melville like craaaaazy...too bad the shipping is double the order, and they only ship $50 orders and up to Canada.
I also need an actual nice bronzer and I've been meaning to get laguna FOREVERRRR
The Karen Walker shades are obviously adorable and I just looooove the confetti system

You look but you don't see

Random snaps from around my room because I miss making posts! Exams are brutal, but I am halfway done and then it will be summer... so blogspot we will meet again then
-mwahhh